by Eileen Katz, MS LMFT, Recovery Services Coordinator, JAS

“WHAT DID I DO WRONG?”

Having just learned, or just accepted, that a child is drinking to excess or drug involved, a good (Jewish) parent begins to blame him/herself. Despite a desire to site genetics, culture, or history, this response is really an attempt to find “the cause.” As we all know: if I can find what went wrong, then I can fix it. Right? Drug abuse and dependence are not so simple. “Cause” is less the concern than “contributing factors.”

To increase the likelihood of your child avoiding the addiction trap, consider these common characteristics of families who have drug involved teens:

• An “absent” parent—A parent may be physically present, but cannot describe significant aspects of his/her child’s life, friends, where they go/what they do for “down” time, etc.
• An unsupervised child—Children, and especially teens, need structure, routine, and supervision to ensure that they are making healthy choices and learning from poor choices.
• Lack of Accountability—Children whose parents regularly deny the child’s behaviors or let the child off the hook for the behaviors are setting a pattern of the child not being held accountable and has no consequences for his/her actions.
• Choices and Consequences—The extension of accountability is choices and consequences. Teaching children that all behavior, all choice, has consequence is a good game plan from the earliest of years.
• Misdirected/unsupervised Peers—The old adage “lie down with dogs, get up with fleas” needs heeding with teens. If the teens are hanging around others whose parents are absent (see above) or are known drug and/or alcohol users, it is a significant warning flag.
• Lying, manipulating, and stealing—These behaviors are present in the vast majority of drug/alcohol abusers. They are the tools of the trade, so to speak, and necessitate action (consequences) to deter repetition.
• Mood disorders—Depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc., are not predictive of drug use, but are very common among drug users. Teens who struggle with these issues frequently feel different from peers and do not have a sense of belonging. The drug culture is a very easy fit – all you have to do is use.
• Lack of connection to others—We all want/need to fit in and belong. When our familial and early peer relationships are strong and healthy, when our needs are met via relationships, we have no need to seek the “easy way” by using drugs/alcohol.
• Lacking strong spirituality—THE connection to another. A connection to G-d “as we understand him” ensures that we never feel alone, abandoned or unworthy.
• Lack of coping skills—Emotion regulation (being able to modulate and tolerate strong emotions), conflict and anger management, tolerating frustration, and problem solving are often lacking in drug users. Without these skills, many find it difficult to cope with the ups and downs of life. Drugs/alcohol are the escape.
• Deeply sensitive and/or creative—Did you ever wonder why so many folks in the performing arts (movies, music, etc.) are drug involved? There is a connection between intense feelings, lack of coping skills (emotional modulation and tolerance) and need for escape. While not an absolute, creative folks tend to see, hear and feel their own pain and the pain of others more intensely. If they lack the coping skills to manage their thoughts and feelings, they become overwhelmed. The pull to escape via drugs/alcohol is very great.

Again, none of these is causative or predictive of addiction. The more of these traits that exist, then the more likely that drugs/alcohol or another behavioral addiction (gambling, sex, food, etc.) will play a role.

It helps to have help –

when parents are aided by grandparents and other family members,
when children have a strong and healthy relationship with a spiritual leader,
when friends/neighbors are willing to share a child’s behavior with his/her parents,
when parents hold children accountable,
when children’s concerns are addressed with validation and sensitivity,
when skills for handling emotions and friends are taught and reinforced…
Then children are much more likely to avoid the pitfalls of abuse and addiction.