By Lisa K. Schkloven, LCSW-C 

Adolescents are going to surf the internet and connect with others online. Online social connection sites such as MySpace and Facebook are, as many teens call them, the preferred way to “hang out”. Therefore, parents need to engage teens in ongoing conversations about cyber-safety, set boundaries and limits on computer use and negotiate contracts for online use of the computer.

Effective communication occurs when the person sending the message makes it clear and easy to understand and the person receiving the message understands the message as the sender intended. A great deal of effective parent-teen communication involves listening. The most important thing parents can do to improve communication with teens is to listen to them. Listening to their teens helps parents have more influence in their teens’ lives. Teens need to feel that they matter and they can depend on their parents to support and protect them, even if they don’t want to admit it. By listening to teens, parents get across messages of caring and safety.

It is essential that you take your teen seriously, no matter what he or she may say. His concerns and fears whether, in your opinion, warranted or not, are very real to him. Start with conversations, not interrogations. It is vital to open the doors of communication with your teen so that she may come to you without fear. Offer your support in non-judgmental ways with open ended statements, observations or questions. Listen empathetically. Take a moment to step out of your parental shoes and into your teen’s. How would you like someone to respond to you?

Realize that you do not have total control and power over your teen, but you have something more powerful. You have more influence than you may realize. Through communicating and empowering your teen, you can help him or her to make the right decisions. The key here is that you allowed your teen to make the decision; you did not make it for him or her.

It is important that you set boundaries and limits on computer usage with your teen because your teen is unlikely to be able to do so. You may have some rules of your own, but it is important to sit down with your teen and negotiate some acceptable terms of usage for the computer. Make sure both you and your teen understand and agree to the rules. In negotiating with your teen, remember what it is like to be a teenager. An important message to convey is that it is not a matter of whether or not you trust your teen. It is a matter of whether or not you trust the person with whom your teen is communicating online. Help teens understand that, just as they are able to present themselves in any way they choose, so can the people with whom they are chatting online.

Once you and your teen have agreed to the rules for computer usage, write these rules down on paper. (You may want to go online and view what an internet usage contract looks like.)

Clearly state, in the document, the consequences for breaking any of the agreed upon rules. Both you and your teen should sign it and you should clearly communicate that you consider this a binding contract.

Finally, provide the supervision essential to keep your child safe. You must serve as the “frontal lobe” for your teen until your teen’s brain is fully developed.