“WHAT DID I DO WRONG?”

Having just learned, or just accepted, that a child is drinking to excess or drug involved, a good (Jewish) parent begins to blame him/herself. Despite a desire to site genetics, culture, or history, this response is really an attempt to find “the cause.” As we all know: if I can find what went wrong, then I can fix it. Right? Drug abuse and dependence are not so simple. “Cause” is less the concern than “contributing factors.”

To increase the likelihood of your child avoiding the addiction trap, consider these common characteristics of families who have drug involved teens:

• An “absent” parent—A parent may be physically present, but cannot describe significant aspects of his/her child’s life, friends, where they go/what they do for “down” time, etc.
• An unsupervised child—Children, and especially teens, need structure, routine, and supervision to ensure that they are making healthy choices and learning from poor choices.
• Lack of Accountability—Children whose parents regularly deny the child’s behaviors or let the child off the hook for the behaviors are setting a pattern of the child not being held accountable and has no consequences for his/her actions.
• Choices and Consequences—The extension of accountability is choices and consequences. Teaching children that all behavior, all choice, has consequence is a good game plan from the earliest of years.
• Misdirected/unsupervised Peers—The old adage “lie down with dogs, get up with fleas” needs heeding with teens. If the teens are hanging around others whose parents are absent (see above) or are known drug and/or alcohol users, it is a significant warning flag.
• Lying, manipulating, and stealing—These behaviors are present in the vast majority of drug/alcohol abusers. They are the tools of the trade, so to speak, and necessitate action (consequences) to deter repetition.
• Mood disorders—Depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc., are not predictive of drug use, but are very common among drug users. Teens who struggle with these issues frequently feel different from peers and do not have a sense of belonging. The drug culture is a very easy fit – all you have to do is use.
• Lack of connection to others—We all want/need to fit in and belong. When our familial and early peer relationships are strong and healthy, when our needs are met via relationships, we have no need to seek the “easy way” by using drugs/alcohol.
• Lacking strong spirituality—THE connection to another. A connection to G-d “as we understand him” ensures that we never feel alone, abandoned or unworthy.
• Lack of coping skills—Emotion regulation (being able to modulate and tolerate strong emotions), conflict and anger management, tolerating frustration, and problem solving are often lacking in drug users. Without these skills, many find it difficult to cope with the ups and downs of life. Drugs/alcohol are the escape.
• Deeply sensitive and/or creative—Did you ever wonder why so many folks in the performing arts (movies, music, etc.) are drug involved? There is a connection between intense feelings, lack of coping skills (emotional modulation and tolerance) and need for escape. While not an absolute, creative folks tend to see, hear and feel their own pain and the pain of others more intensely. If they lack the coping skills to manage their thoughts and feelings, they become overwhelmed. The pull to escape via drugs/alcohol is very great.

Again, none of these is causative or predictive of addiction. The more of these traits that exist, then the more likely that drugs/alcohol or another behavioral addiction (gambling, sex, food, etc.) will play a role.

It helps to have help –

when parents are aided by grandparents and other family members,
when children have a strong and healthy relationship with a spiritual leader,
when friends/neighbors are willing to share a child’s behavior with his/her parents,
when parents hold children accountable,
when children’s concerns are addressed with validation and sensitivity,
when skills for handling emotions and friends are taught and reinforced…
Then children are much more likely to avoid the pitfalls of abuse and addiction.

Here’s a riddle, Mom and Dad…

It can “virtually’ take you anywhere in the blink of an eye and provide information in an instant. Its ability to let you invite others into your home is limitless and, no matter how secure your locks or alarm, it’s like having your “windows” wide open.

What is it? It’s the internet, of course! Because of the internet, the “community” of the 21st Century is not confined by geographical constraints. We now live in a virtual community without geographical boundaries. And just as parents have to teach their children about stranger danger and playground safety, parents also have to teach their children about internet safety.

Here are some tips to help your family “surf” the internet safely. First, act proactively in keeping your family safe. Install spy-ware and ad-ware blocking software on your computer. Make sure you have a working firewall and review the settings regularly. Install anti-virus software and update it regularly. Use spam-blocking tools offered by your internet provider. Also, learn to use the computer and how to surf the internet so you can talk intelligently with your child about it.

Today surfing is easy, whether your teen is near the waves or not. “Surfing” has taken on a new meaning, thanks to the internet. Because of the internet, the “community” of the 21st Century is not confined by geographical constraints. We now live in a virtual community without geographical boundaries. In a matter of moments, your teen can research information for term papers, read the latest news around the world, send mail instantly and connect with people from all over the world.

This new age community also allows teens to do many things in ways they never could before. Teens can use the internet to try on different personas as they work through the developmental task of formulating a defined sense of self. The internet allows teens to engage in social dialogue that their parents cannot overhear. Whereas parents can overhear when a teen is on the phone,parents can only “hear” what is being said online if they stand behind their teens and read over their shoulders. And to make sure parents don’t know what they are saying, teens have invented a whole new language that they use when texting, IMing, chatting, blogging or posting to a newsgroup.

Teens also use the internet to take risks they may not otherwise take. Teens consider themselves anonymous when using the internet, due to the decreased level of physical contact with others that occurs while on the computer. This sense of anonymity allows teens to feel a false sense of security, allowing them to feel freer to engage in risk taking behavior online. The lack of physical contact between people connected in cyber-space allows for a certain amount of depersonalization of others as well. This depersonalization allows teens to engage in behaviors that bully, threaten to harm or actually harm the safety, sense of security and reputation of other people. Cyber-bullying has taken on astronomical proportions as teens have increasingly used the internet.

There is another dimension to the information superhighway that may keep you up at night. Whereas it was once thought that by adolescence a teen’s brain was fully developed, research has now discovered that the teenage brain is actually a work in progress.

Because the teenage brain works more on emotion than on rational thinking, it is difficult for adolescents to understand some of the ramifications of their behavior on the internet. Teens do not realize that being online in any kind of public forum means a teen is “out in public”. It’s analogous to having something written on the bathroom wall. Anything a teen posts online is available for anyone to read for all eternity.

Teens are also unaware of the potential dangers of posting identifying or personal information. Just as teens can try on different identities or personas while online, so can the people with whom they are connecting. Even if your teenager thinks the information he or she is posting online is private, anyone can read it and anyone can pass it on. It has gotten to the point that now many colleges and potential employers are searching popular internet sites or “googling” potential applicants’ names to learn about them.

According to Parry Aftab, noted cyber-lawyer and Executive Director of WiredSaftey.org, “The problems result from the conflicts between raging hormones and romanticism, and being smart and careful. They often think ‘This couldn’t happen to me’ and take unnecessary risks, gambling that their luck will hold.”

So what’s a parent to do to ensure a teen’s safety on the internet? Click to find out.

Adolescents are going to surf the internet and connect with others online. Online social connection sites such as MySpace and Facebook are, as many teens call them, the preferred way to “hang out”. Therefore, parents need to engage teens in ongoing conversations about cyber-safety, set boundaries and limits on computer use and negotiate contracts for online use of the computer.

Effective communication occurs when the person sending the message makes it clear and easy to understand and the person receiving the message understands the message as the sender intended. A great deal of effective parent-teen communication involves listening. The most important thing parents can do to improve communication with teens is to listen to them. Listening to their teens helps parents have more influence in their teens’ lives. Teens need to feel that they matter and they can depend on their parents to support and protect them, even if they don’t want to admit it. By listening to teens, parents get across messages of caring and safety.

It is essential that you take your teen seriously, no matter what he or she may say. His concerns and fears whether, in your opinion, warranted or not, are very real to him. Start with conversations, not interrogations. It is vital to open the doors of communication with your teen so that she may come to you without fear. Offer your support in non-judgmental ways with open ended statements, observations or questions. Listen empathetically. Take a moment to step out of your parental shoes and into your teen’s. How would you like someone to respond to you?

Realize that you do not have total control and power over your teen, but you have something more powerful. You have more influence than you may realize. Through communicating and empowering your teen, you can help him or her to make the right decisions. The key here is that you allowed your teen to make the decision; you did not make it for him or her.

It is important that you set boundaries and limits on computer usage with your teen because your teen is unlikely to be able to do so. You may have some rules of your own, but it is important to sit down with your teen and negotiate some acceptable terms of usage for the computer. Make sure both you and your teen understand and agree to the rules. In negotiating with your teen, remember what it is like to be a teenager. An important message to convey is that it is not a matter of whether or not you trust your teen. It is a matter of whether or not you trust the person with whom your teen is communicating online. Help teens understand that, just as they are able to present themselves in any way they choose, so can the people with whom they are chatting online.

Once you and your teen have agreed to the rules for computer usage, write these rules down on paper. (You may want to go online and view what an internet usage contract looks like.)

Clearly state, in the document, the consequences for breaking any of the agreed upon rules. Both you and your teen should sign it and you should clearly communicate that you consider this a binding contract.

Finally, provide the supervision essential to keep your child safe. You must serve as the “frontal lobe” for your teen until your teen’s brain is fully developed.

Below is a list of common acronyms teens use in their everyday communication with one another. These acronyms are used whether teens are texting, IMing, chatting online, blogging or posting in a newsgroup forum. This list, courtesy of NetLingo™, will help familiarize you with some of them.

TOP 20 INTERNET ACRONYMS EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW:

Acronym Meaning / Alternate Meaning

POS - Parent over Shoulder/ Piece of Sh_ _
PIR - Parent in Room
P911 - Parent Alert
PAW - Parents are Watching
PAL - Parents are Listening
ASL - Age/Sex/Location
MorF - Male or Female
SorG - Straight or Gay
LMIRL - Let’s Meet in Real Life
KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless
TDTM - Talk Dirty to Me
IWSN - I Want Sex Now
NIFOC - Nude in Front of Computer
GYPO - Get Your Pants Off
ADR or ADDY - Address
WYCM - Will You Call Me?
KFY - Kiss For You
MOOS - Member(s) of the Opposite Sex
MOSS or MOTSS - Member(s) of the Same Sex
NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That

Click below to see:

50 More Internet Acronyms Every Parents Should Know
http://www.netlingo.com/top50parents.cfm

The NetLingo List of Acronyms and Text Shorthand
http://www.netlingo.com/emailsh.cfm

If you’re living with an adolescent it’s a good idea to understand what’s going on. Adolescence is a time of rapid physical, cognitive, emotional, social and moral development and change.

As the parent of a teenager, how many times have you either thought or said the following: “What were you thinking ?!” Until recently, conventional wisdom held that early childhood was the time when a person’s brain grew the most. It was “thought” that by the time a child reached the age of twelve, the brain for the most part had finished its development. Then in 1991, Dr. Jay Geidd, a neuroscientist and chief of brain imaging in the child psychiatry branch at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), began using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to study the brains of some 1,800 children and adolescents over a period of thirteen years. Geidd discovered that, not only is the adolescent brain far from mature, but adolescence is a time when extensive structural changes occur in both the gray and white matter of the brain. The reality is that the teenage brain is undergoing continuous restructuring throughout the adolescent years and into early adulthood. To better understand what your teen is and is not thinking, here is a “Reader’s Digest” version of your teenager’s brain.

The brain develops in stages, from the back of the brain to the front, through a process of neural proliferation and pruning. The first part of the brain to mature is the back part. This area of the brain controls the senses such as touch, sight and hearing. The next parts of the brain to develop are the areas that help organize and allow the senses to make order out of its environment. Over the ensuing years, the brain continues to develop, back to front. The last part of the brain to develop is the front, specifically the prefrontal cortex of the brain. That is the part of the brain that governs what is called “executive functioning”.

Located right behind the forehead, the prefrontal cortex is the CEO of the brain. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for a person’s ability to organize thoughts, think things through, set priorities, weigh one’s options, consider the consequences of one’s actions, delay gratification, suppress impulses and make sound decisions. This thinking, rational part of the brain is truly a work in progress that will not be completed until a person is in his or her mid 20s.

Because the CEO area of the brain is not fully functioning, another part of the brain steps in to take its place. Called the amygdala, this almond shaped part of the brain is situated deep in the back of the brain. Whereas adults use the prefrontal cortex in making their decisions, adolescents rely on the amygdala, the emotional and instinctual center of the brain, in making their decisions. That’s why even with teens who seem to have relatively good judgmental skills, the quality of the decision making ability declines dramatically in moments of high emotional arousal. Emotions such as happiness, anger and jealousy override logic. Even more, the intensity of emotional arousal and response increases when teens are with their peers.

To complicate things further, one has to add to the mix the hormonal influences and fluctuations that occur during adolescence. In her 2004 article for Time magazine, reporter Claudia Wallis sums up this phenomenon this way, “For years, psychologists attributed the intense, combustible emotions and unpredictable behavior of teens to this biochemical onslaught. And new research adds fresh support. At puberty, the ovaries and testes begin to pour estrogen and testosterone into the bloodstream, spurring the development of the reproductive system, causing hair to sprout in the armpits and groin, wreaking havoc with the skin, and shaping the body to its adult contours. At the same time, testosterone-like hormones released by the adrenal glands, located near the kidneys, begin to circulate. Recent discoveries show that these adrenal sex hormones are extremely active in the brain, attaching to receptors everywhere and exerting a direct influence on serotonin and other neuro-chemicals that regulate mood and excitability. The sex hormones are especially active in the brain’s emotional center…”

According to Dr. Ronald Dahl, professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, this hormonal mixture in the brain creates a “tinderbox of emotions”. This helps to explain why teenagers display a high rate of emotional reactivity as well as why they seek a high level of emotional stimulation. According to Dahl, “Adolescents are actively looking for experiences to create intense feelings,” says Dahl. “It’s a very important hint that there is some particular hormone-brain relationship contributing to the appetite for thrills, strong sensations and excitement.”

Therein lies the crux of the age old adolescent behavior and the crux of the age old parental dilemma. Teenagers, because of brain development and hormonal surges and fluctuations, have had the thrill seeking parts of the brain activated well before the rational part of the brain is up to the challenge of controlling it. It’s not that teenagers are stupid; it’s just that teenagers do not think like adults.

So why do teenagers appear unmotivated to do one thing yet highly motivated to do another?

According to Dr. James Bjork, author of NIH’s National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism study published in the February 25, 2004 issue of the Journal of Neuroscience, “Adolescents show less activity than adults in brain regions that motivate behavior to obtain rewards.” Dr. Bjork concludes, “If adolescents have a motivational deficit, it may mean that they are prone to engaging in behaviors that have either a really high excitement factor or a really low effort factor, or a combination of both.” Bjork advises parents, “When presenting suggestions, anything parents can do to emphasize more immediate payoffs will be more effective.”

To learn more about the adolescent brain, click this link to Time magazine’s article on the teenage brain, then click on the graphic “Inside the Adolescent Brain” www.time.com/time/covers/1101040510/

Given what we now know about the adolescent brain, how can parents help their teenagers through this complex period in their lives? Click here to find out.

1. Keep the computer in a room other than the child’s bedroom.
This way you can monitor what your child is doing online and for how long.

2. Set up an agreement and guidelines with your child about the use of the computer, including appropriate schedules and duration.

3. Understand the services that your child uses online.
If you do not understand them, have your child teach you about them.

4. Investigate blocking and screening services offered by your ISP or by other web sites of software providers.

5. Spend time online with your child so that you can set a good example for online behavior.

6. Never respond to threatening or offensive messages. Urge your child also not to respond to these kinds of messages.

7. When discussing your child’s day with him or her, be sure to ask about time spent online.

8. Remind your child never to meet anyone he or she has “met” online without your permission or without your presence.

9. Make sure to learn about everyone your child speaks to online and discuss these relationships with your child.

10. Get to know the computer and the internet.
Familiarize yourself with the positive aspects of the internet.
Familiarize yourself with Instant Messenger, social networking sites, blogs and newgroup forums.

For more suggestions for keeping your teen safe online, click on the link below to view Parry Aftab’s guide for keeping your kids safe online.
www.wiredsafety.org/resources/pdf/socialnetworktips.pdf

Want to help your teen during this time of complex brain development and hormonal changes? Here are some suggestions:

1. Provide structure:
Teens need to have limits because they have difficulty putting on the brakes. Have regular and predictable curfew times and stick to them. When your teen is out, require that he/she check in with you at regular intervals. Give your child some household responsibilities along with a window of time by which these tasks need to be completed. Provide incentives to motivate your teen to complete tasks. Do not provide a privilege to your teen simply because he/she is “of the age” (such as driving a car at 16 years old). Privileges should be based more on level or responsibility than on chronological age.

2. Provide reminders:
Because teens are notorious about forgetting things that are not motivating to them or do not appear to have immediate rewards, they need reminders. What they don’t need is nagging, so be creative in your reminders. Put a memo board on your teen’s door and leave a message. Put a post-it note where your teen will see it. E-mail or IM your message to your teen.

3. Get Organized:
Just as teens need reminders, they also need help with organization. Make sure your teen has a planner in which to write assignments, tests, deadlines and other appointments. When faced with a complex or long term assignment, have your teen break the assignment down and develop several mini-deadlines by which she has to finish small parts of the assignment. By tackling a big project that way, your teen will not feel so overwhelmed, will find the task more manageable and will attain goals more quickly, thus motivating her to continue. Teach your teen not to wait to the last minute by stressing the negative impact it has on him personally, rather than some longer term notion of a high GPA or getting into college.

4. Provide support:
Acknowledge to your teen that you know he is going through a lot of things all at once and has a great deal on his plate. Let your child know you are there when she needs you. When your teen comes to you with a problem, ask him what he would like you to do, i.e. just listen without saying a word, listen and give feedback, help problem solve. Let your teen take the lead.

5. Teach your teen problem solving skills:
During periods of high emotional arousal, a teen’s ability to think clearly and rationally is compromised and a teen’s ability to think emotionally is heightened. Teach your teen problem solving skills that he or she can use now and in the future. Walk your teen through the following problem solving steps:

• Define the problem/issue.
• Brainstorm any/all possible solutions.
• Evaluate the solutions based on these criteria:
  Is this idea fair to everyone?
  Is this idea safe for everyone?
  How will I and others feel about this possible solution?
  Will this possible solution work?
• Based on the evaluation criteria, pick one solution and try it out.
• Save the other solutions in case they are needed.
• Once a solution has been tried, check to see that it is working.
• If it is working, congratulate your teen!
• If is not working, encourage your teen to try another solution.

Remember these points – when brainstorming solutions, don’t stop your teen just because she arrived at the solution of your choice. This is your teen’s problem and your teen needs to be allowed to solve it her own way. If you stop your teen too early, you deprive him or her of a valuable opportunity to learn that there may be more than one way to solve a problem.

6. Finally, love them and laugh with them!

Description from back cover of book:

In this timely and indispensable guide to MySpace for parents, online safety experts Larry Magid and Anne Collier demystify the world’s largest social network. This concise, hands-on book explores how teens are using MySpace and other social networks and shows you step by step how to use MySpace and help your kids use it safely.

Larry and Anne remove the fear and hype surrounding social networking and take a clear-eyed look at what is really going on in online teen hangouts.

To help you understand MySpace, the authors step you through how to set up and personalize a MySpace account and how to manage an online social life. Then they look at how young people are changing the Internet and how to guide them as they navigate the social Web.

Cyber-Safe Kids, Cyber-Savvy Teens: Helping Young People Learn To Use the Internet Safely and Responsibly
by Nancy E. Willard

Description from back cover of book:

As our children and teens race down the onramp to the Information Superhighway, many parents feel left behind in the dust. News stories about online sexual predators, child pornography, cyberbullies, hate groups, gaming addiction, and other dangers that lurk in the online world make us feel increasingly concerned about what our children are doing (and with whom) in cyberspace. In Cyber-Safe Kids, Cyber-Savvy Teens, Internet safety expert Nancy Willard provides you with need-to-know information about those online dangers, and she gives you the practical parenting strategies necessary to help children and teens learn to use the Internet safely and responsibly.

Parents protect younger children by keeping them in safe places, teaching them simple safety rules, and paying close attention. As children grow, we help them gain the knowledge, skills, and values to make good choices—choices that will keep them safe and show respect for the rights of others. In Cyber-Safe Kids, Cyber-Savvy Teens, Willard shows you how those same strategies can be translated from the real world to the cyberworld, and that you don’t have to learn advanced computer skills to put them into effect. As you work on these strategies with your child, you will also discover that remaining engaged with what your children are doing online is much more valuable than any blocking software you could buy.

Totally Wired: What Teens and Tweens Are Really Doing Online
by Anastasia Goodstein

Description from back cover of book:

Hooking up via MySpace, bullying on a blog. Using a cell phone as a tracking device? Clearly, being a teen today isn’t the same as it used to be. So what are LiveJournal, Xanga, Facebook, and MySpace, and what exactly are teens doing on these sites?

Totally Wired is the first inside guide to what teens are really doing on the Internet and with technology today. Author Anastasia Goodstein creates an informative and accessible guide that covers topics such as social networking, blogging, cyberbullying, and much, much more.

Including interviews with a cross section of industry professionals and teenagers, and loaded with fascinating statistics and revealing anecdotes, Totally Wired is the first guide that explains to parents in easy-to-understand terms what kids are really up to online, and arms parents with the knowledge they need to promote Internet safety.

Welcome to the parentsofteens.info website.

Parenting a teenager is like riding a rollercoaster – it’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and you find yourself hanging on for dear life! And just like a rollercoaster, the ride is over before you know it. We have only a few precious years to prepare our children to take on the world, and it is up to us to give them roots from which they can grow and wings to soar.

This website was developed to support you in what has sometimes been called “the toughest job you’ll ever love”… parenting an adolescent. We will provide you with information, understanding and guidance in parenting your teenage child. By coming together, we can raise our teens to be strong, successful adults.

Parentsofteens.info is a joint venture of the Maryland Teen Initiative and Parent Resources of Jewish Family Services of Baltimore, Maryland. Thanks to these two programs for their support in creating and launching this venture.

-     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -  

 PARENT ALERT! - click here

For an article on Setting Limits in the “Baltimore Jewish Times” click here.

Click here for Parenting Tips at www.theantidrug.com.